Kaylee's Golden Gift

"Look at the doggy!"

There we sat, my wife and I with our four kiddies, and my parents, the esteemed Mimi and Poppy, waiting for the trained animal show to begin at Sea World. Kaylee loves doggies, as do many other people, apparently, 'cause the place was packed. I was starting to worry that they wouldn't have room for everyone.

Kaylee was standing up in Monica's lap, and Zoe in mine, when for some reason we swapped babies. As people continued to rush forward like cattle, seating themselves all around us, I caught the clear, unmistakable smell of diaper du' jour.

"Girlfriend, you is rurnt!", I thought to myself, but I didn't say anything. The show was about to start, and I figured she could wait another 30 minutes or so, particularly since I didn't see a bathroom anywhere. Or any obvious exits.

The show began, and all kinds of trained animals cavorted about the stage, pulling banners to reveal funny writings, ducking into doors, riding cars, and the trainers were nowhere to be seen! Sea World has a knack for putting on great animal shows.

The rest of the show might well have been titled, Christian-romance-novel-like, as "Gentle comes the Breeze". Or maybe, "Diaper comes Softly." Or even "Dancing on the Wind".

Yes, dear reader, I had just begun to feel as though the smell in Kaylee's diaper had taken a seat next to me, when a squirrel ran out on stage. The crowd ooo'd and aaah'd. There was a row of females behind me that had been going gaga over every dog and cat, and now they erupted in a chorus of preciousness and ohhowsweetness. Between that nonsense and Kaylee's little golden gift, I was doing a lot of eye-rolling.

But then a trainer stepped out on stage and said, "Um... that squirrel isn't actually part of the show". And then they (meaning everybody) proceeded to try to catch the thing as it ran all over the building.

"Oh great", I thought. "This means Kaylee has to last another 10 minutes longer". The audience was screaming and participating in the squirrel hunt as I became more and more concerned that those around us may become "aware" of Kaylee's little gift.

And that's when I glanced at Monica, and understood by her dilated pupils and expanded nostrils that... she knew. Knowing that Monica is a woman of action, I must admit a certain level of apprehension. I tensed, readying myself for what I knew she was about to do.

Bob, hand her here. I'm going to change her.

Zoe went to Mimi. Kaylee went to Monica. Off came the diaper amidst screams before and behind as the squirrel capered about. Once, someone pointed out that the squirrel was under Mimi's feet. She screamed in terror, in the manner to which she is accustomed (family joke).

And then, through all that chaos, Kaylee's gift was unleased, and the smell of unbridled gold wafted its way into my nostrils. I tried to quiet the feeling of panic that crept over me.

Someone's going to smell that and throw us out of the joint!

Haha, you say! You frolic and play with words, you funny man. T'weren't really that bad!

Ahh, but it t'were. It t'were indeed. Little Kaylee had begotten the foulest smell that ever sailed the seven seas, or at least that had ever sat through an extended sitting of an animal show.

Monica must have been thinking the same thing (that it was bad, and that she should hurry). She was about to win a world record for diaper changing. In her haste, she whipped the diaper off containing its heinous cargo, and having nowhere to put it, but needing to carry on with the cleaning process, she placed it in what must have seemed the most convenient location at the time.

My lap.

Yes, dear reader, an open and unwrapped (and very full) diaper was placed directly in my lap as Monica frantically labored on and Kaylee cooed and sighed. And I? What could I do but begin, with zombie-like composure, to fold the vile thing into that infamous little triangle shape.

But wait! You're supposed to do that after all the wipes are safely inside. Which they weren't! Silly me! What with that squirrel and all the hullabaloo, I just wasn't paying attention!

It took only another second to realize that fact as a dirty baby wipe was tossed, as was the diaper before it, directly into my lap. The manner in which it was tossed into my lap was not unlike the manner it which it might have been tossed had my lap been a garbage receptacle.

I gagged. My tongue fell out of my mouth for a moment before I could will it back inside. The smell coming from my lap was simply incredible, and now that the diaper was sealed I didn't know what to do with it. It has to go somewhere, I thought to myself, so I decided that somewhere it must go, and so I folded the wipe poop-side-in, placed it gingerly on top of the diaper, and tried to stow the whole shebang under my seat. At the very least it would make the squirrel steer clear of our legs.

Wow, glad that little problem's solved! Where there's a will, there's a way! Right?

Kapow. Another wipe landed in my lap, almost as dirty as the first! How naive of me... one wipe is never enough! In retrospect, it's a good thing I wasn't changing Kaylee or the whole place would have been swimming in used wipes, but that's another story. At any rate, there was a good deal more retching, heaving and whatnot as the whole process was repeated. They still hadn't found that nasty squirrel and the crowd was going wild while it climbed the walls around the auditorium. I was barely paying attention: I was too busy hoping nobody had noticed that the animal show had a new sewage treatment plant on aisle 15.

And now, Kaylee was back in my arms, all clean and ready to see more doggies. Someone had captured the squirrel, and it was on its way out the door.

That's when I heard Monica say...

"Now I need to change Zoe."

P.S. - It wasn't really gold. It was something else.