Toilet Wrapping - The Sport of Gentlemen

[Warning: Completely and unabashedly juvenile humor ahead. Proceed with caution. Don't say I didn't warn you!]

When we left the meetings last week we had a caravan of about quite a few cars following us to our home in North Georgia. Naturally, as soon as we got on the road (almost as soon as we pulled onto the Interstate, to be exact), Zachary declared that he had to go to the bathroom. With eyebrow raised, I had to ask, "Which one?" "Number 2", he replied. "I have to go really bad". His mother's immediate response was that he would have to wait until we got home. Which was two hours away. At that moment Zachary was probably thinking, "Run that right there by me again?"

Being the compassionate father that I am, I pulled over at a rest area (followed by a long stream of cars wondering why we were stopping so soon), and lept out to "assist" my son in this journey into the wonderful world of the public restroom. The person in the car that had just pulled up beside ours started laughing, apparently thinking that I was the cause of our stop. You'd think I had some sort of reputation or something. I mean... really!

The restrooms were simply ghawstly, bringing me to the conclusion that people are nasty. I mean, just look at what they did to that stall! The imagination of the human mind couldn't have conjured up such horror, such atrocity never before seen by mortal man. And so, I proceeded to instruct Zach in the fine art of toilet wrapping.

"Watch whut I'm doin', son.", I said as wisely and fatherly as possible, as I pulled tissue out of the dispenser until it turned into a pencil-thin thread. Why do they always install that kind of dispenser in public restrooms - the kind that, when you extract the tissue (no matter how delicately), it turns into a streamer? Did someone think we might want to have a party in the stall? Haha, veddy funny... I'm not laughing.

It's quite hard to adequately cover every square inch of exposed porcelain with handfuls of party streamers. After several minutes of patient labor, punctuated periodically by my son pointing out any bare porcelain I had missed, I had finally completed... my masterpiece.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, in some parts of the country toilet wrapping has been developed into an art form. My part of the country, that is. In a quality rest room (i.e. one equipped with streamer-less tissue) one can conceivably wrap a toilet in less than 15 seconds, a skill which may prove useful after a night out at the local Japanese steak house.

You've got to admit this kinda stuff requires a certain level of proficiency not easily mastered. The best toilet wrappers take years to reach the highest levels of mastery, and therefore I propose that... now hold onto yer seat... that toilet wrapping be made into an Olympic Sport. Now I know many of you are probably thinking, "I had that exact same idea just the other day!", but I'm just sorry... I put it in writing first, and that's all there is to it.

Now, who wants sushi?